You're Better Off

'Cause I am not a force to be reckoned with
And you don't have a clue what you're messin' with
And you can't see to the best in me
'Cause it's more than your heart can take

And hiding beneath my blankets and sheets
I'm finally free
I'm killin' the ghost of you
and I'm close to awakening me
I'm awakening me

So I'm takin' my heart and I'm gettin' me out
and love's something that I wouldn't wanna live without
so I'm takin' my heart and I'm gettin' me out
on my own, my own, my own

I'm takin' my heart and I'm settin' you free
and, baby, now you're just another song to me
and the edge of your sword
isn't sharp enough for me to bleed.

Take it as you will.

the simple and convenient memory of goldfish

"the goldfish's memory span is 4 seconds," taught the scientist.
the yawning students almost immediately forget--
but in the corner of the class,
the fish swims attentively.

with eyes wide, he examines
the round edges of his poor bowl.

then he remembers something about the ocean,
only to forget it over and over again.
-aaron abrams-

(Ring any bells?)

Couldn't get it out of my mind

Georgia, Georgia
The whole day through
Just an old sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind

Georgia, oh Georgia
A song of you
Comes as sweet and clear
As moonlight through the pines

Other arms reach out to me
Other eyes smile tenderly
Still in peaceful dreams I see
The road leads back to you

Georgia, Georgia
No peace I find
Just an old, sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind
Just an old, sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind.

Ambiguity

You know what? You're lovely.

I shine

and it's just fine.

Late night ponderings

Amid the sea of late-night, last-minute homework I'm procrastinating doing right now, I thought I was due for an update.

You know, questions I have don't really seem to matter anymore. I don't really understand why that is, and I'm not complaining, but it's so very strange... It's like I see you, you look the same, but I don't see you anymore. It's funny the way things can change that quickly. I hope you have what you need and I hope you're happy with what you've chosen. I hope you don't regret, and I'm not being conceited, but I truly think someday... Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month, but someday.. You'll press pause on the life you're creating for yourself and think of me.

I realize you were kind of like a habit that I needed to break. But now that I've broken I suppose the only way to go is up.

And up is a very exciting place to go.

*sigh*

Dreams are cruel, but despite last night I know today is going to be a good day. Well, even if it's not, it's going to be. This month has gone by so fast, it's almost like a blur. Almost Halloween, and in my own weird way of counting, almost 2 months 'til Christmas. *sigh*

Yesterday was such a good, weird day. It was like, I was really happy, but there was something missing. It's not this strong presence anymore, but a lingering one... Like a left-over tear. And the thing is, as hard as it is, I don't know if I want the feeling to go away. I see and talk to other people, but I... can't.

I just have to trust Him in all of this, because even though I don't understand... I know He has my best interests in mind, and that no matter what, I'm going to be happy and fulfilled... someday. I just need to remember that, and stay grounded, when I feel like there's little pieces of me floating everywhere.

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise

You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You

Then I will go through the fire if You want me to.

Certainty

For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 & 11-

I'd smile if I wasn't so sleepy

Phew, take me out of the oven, 'cause I'm done. You know, for the first time in close to three weeks, I actually feel alright. I feel as happy as I can be and, really, that's all I was hoping for. That's all I could've asked for. What a roller-coaster these weeks have been. I've gone from being desperate to being a witch to being numb to being okay. Which is where I hope to stay. I'm not pretending I'm perfectly wonderful, because I'm not. I just...
It was so strange sitting there with him, almost surreal. I kept remembering things, as I'm sure he did... And more than anything I kept on trying to be angry but the more I tried the less I was. I went into this, preparing myself for the worst, and I probably got the best outcome that I could've hoped and prayed for at the moment.
I'm so glad you were honest. And I, personally, thank you for that. And, I want you to know that as much as I didn't trust you going into this, you earned a little of it back. I think that's important to know. I also know we're changing, I know this is going to be difficult eventually, but I also know that we will be able to be friends again someday. Tonight just kind of solidified it for me. I'm praying for you constantly, even if I'm not talking to you, and I'm missing my friend, always.
It's bittersweet, this feeling. Not a death, not a rebirth. Just a happy medium. A mixture of relief and sadness and a little bit of joy. I know I'll probably go through days where I'm sad and days where I'm mad and even days where I'm questioning again, but for tonight... I feel better.
I'm going to try not to worry about tomorrow or the day after.. I have my druthers, but I know, in my heart, that one way or the other, everything is going to be just fine.

When I no more behold thee,
Think on me
By all thine eyes have told me,
Think on me
When hearts are lightest,
When eyes are brightest,
When griefs are slightest,
Think on me.

Long forgotten, it seems

Funny how this is so ironic. In a bad way. Who knew when I was writing this?

"Tomorrow, they both knew, would come like always and their summer together would come to an end. They knew tomorrow things would get harder and they would both change over the coming semester; but, in spite of these changes, there were also things that both would remain completely certain of. They knew when they held each other, they would still feel complete. They knew the magic would remain in their kisses. And they knew when they looked at each other; love was looking back at them. They knew they would always grow, but never apart. They’d grow together."

Wishful thinking I guess.

Therapy

I'm stronger than you give me credit for
And I'm not going to succumb
To your pressures anymore
While you're discovering who you are
I'll be finding what I need

You'll regret it, but forget it
I'm moving up and on
I'm stronger
than you give me credit for

You think you got the best of me
but
I won't need you
I don't want you
I won't cry over the remains of you

You think you got the best of me
But you won't get what's left of me

Someday you'll look back and see
You may have everything
but
You won't have me.

Someday

I can feel my heart beating in my chest and it feels like it breaks a little more with each beat. We haven't talked in two days and the more he refuses to talk to me, the more discouraged I get. How can he just cut me out of his life so easily? Why would he?... Tomorrow'll be the first Wind Ensemble concert he's performed in that I'm not cordially invited to. And I feel so empty. I supported him in everything he's done because I know how great he is. Guess it doesn't really matter very much to him though.

I feel like my other half, my partner-in-crime, my most intimate friend has died. I feel like the person that I love is gone and there's nothing I can do to make myself feel better. I've been praying and praying, trying to make heads and tails of this and the more I think about it, the sadder I get. I'm trying to be self-confident and I try to remember how fabulous I am, but without him here my world just doesn't seem quite as bright.

I wonder if he feels it too. I thought he knew me, I thought he understood... I just wish he could feel a portion of how I'm feeling now.

There are no words.

It's so hard now that I can't trust you.

And Another...

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks, you say "sit down, it's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
'Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came.

Do You Remember?

And now the purple dusk of twilight time

Steals across the meadows of my heart

High up in the sky the little stars climb

Always reminding me that we're apart

You wander down the lane and far away

Leaving me a song that will not die

Love is now the stardust of yesterday

The music of the years gone by

Sometimes I wonder why I spend

The lonely night dreaming of a song

The melody haunts my reverie

And I am once again with you

When our love was new

And each kiss an inspiration

But that was long ago

Now my consolation

Is in the stardust of a song

Beside a garden wall

When stars are bright

You are in my arms

The nightingale tells his fairy tale

A paradise where roses bloom

Though I dream in vain

In my heart it always will remain

My stardust melody

The memory of love's refrain.

Ramblings

Well, tomorrow will be a week. I don't think I can be happy about it, however, I am amazed that despite my want to freeze time and how slowly it seemed to creep by, it passed all the same.

My memories of us are getting hazy. And I wish I would have known. I wish I could have savored every kiss, every look, every touch, every word. Because I just took it for granted because I thought it would always be there.

He's gone. And as happy that I am that he's gone, I still don't feel right. Yesterday when I saw him, I felt like I should run up and hug him instead of just standing there. And for that split second, I almost did on reflex. Then I remembered... I remembered that.

He doesn't even seem to want to talk to me anymore. I wish I could call him a jerk like everyone else, but I really don't feel that way. I know him, and I know he did this because he thought in his heart that it was right for him and I. But it's wasn't. And it still isn't.

I just wish I knew what do to.

Long

I can't ever recall a time when my weekend seemed to stretch out the span of a year.

"Here in town I can tell he's been down for a while,

But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,

Wanna hold him

Maybe I'll just sing about it."

Implode.

I don't know what to say...

What do you do when something that has been a constant presense in your life is ripped out from underneath you? What do you say when there aren't any words? I desperately want to talk to him, but I know he needs time, and so do I. It's just hard to imagine that mere days ago, he was kissing me and saying he loves me. If he's that good of an actor, then I'm glad this happened now... I'm just not convinced.

I hope against hope that this will work itself out, but if he lied to me like he implied, then it's almost like I never knew him at all. The man I thought I loved wasn't real.

But he was. I know he loved me.

It's just so so hard to function knowing he's not there. He was my breath, my sunshine. And he knows me better than anyone. Why?... Why would he hurt me like this? I've never felt pain this intense in my entire life. I know he's under stress, but I want to be there to support him as always and more than anything I want to work things out.

I suppose the worst part is I can't move on. I don't want to move on. I just wish I knew if he felt the same. The man that did that to me yesterday is not the man that I love. I know he's still there and I know he still loves me. I'm so conflicted.

The bad side of me wishes that he is hurting just as much as I am. Because I didn't deserve this. But the other side wants him to just tell me that this was a dream.

If you're reading this, I hope you realize. I want you back, but I don't if you can so easily disgard me and my heart. I thought you were more of a man. I thought you were different. I still think you are, but I think you're lying to yourself and to me, and best friends don't do that.





...*sigh*