I think colds affect my optomism

God, I'm sick of people who bring me down. This up and down and hot and cold thing doesn't really do it for me. I just don't understand and I don't deserve to be sad... I deserve to be exceedingly and ecstatically happy. I think, after everything, I deserve that much at least.

I just can't get over this. I can't stop the perpetual motion of whatever it's turning into. And I feel like it would be easier not to put my feelings out on the wire. To not allow someone to have the room to hurt me. But, I'm afraid if I don't open my heart now, I'll never be able start again.

I feel like my life is in slow motion. I see pictures of the future and it's very exciting, but it's taking so long and it's hard for me to get there. A string of seemingly endless upon endless days that all loop and intertwine and run together. I keep wondering how long it's going to be before I lose myself in counting down.

Bah humbug.

Then I'll be smiling...

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

What if this is just the beginning?
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me, why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful?

High enough for you to make me wonder where it's going
High enough for you to pull me under
Something's growing out of this that we can't control
Baby, I'm dying

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me, why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?

Grouchy Wednesday

You know, this is too much like history repeating itself for me to feel completely comfortable. I don't know why I feel wary. I am so excited and so happy ... but at the same time... I'm not sure. And I'm not going down that road again. I utterly refuse. For all the ideals and advice I spout, it's easy to forget how I need to be careful with my own heart. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this. Bah.

I don't want to let go, but is it worth hanging on?
I guess it's up to you to step up and show me.

"Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden."
-T.S. Eliot-

to me you are perfect.

Bethany is:

questioning
not questioning at the same time
incredibly happy
excited about going out with Loverrrr today
anticipating next semester
nervous
listening to Whitney Houston
watching the video for the thousandth time
enjoying her morning off
excited about British Literature tomorrow
in need of coffee
ready for her change
loving this.

Here's to number three

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it doesn't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again.

I'm sleepy

It's so odd, not trusting myself on how I feel. I realize that I've been here before and I don't know whether or not it's real this time. Or if I'm setting myself up for another disappointment. Granted I've changed and the situation and the person are completely different, but I don't know... and therein lies the problem.

In any case, it's nice to have someone that I feel like I can genuinely be friends with. Who can keep up in a conversation with me, a feat in itself. Someone who is as well-spoken as sincere. My mind's eyes views us at movies, doing random things. Where, in my prior situation, I couldn't and wouldn't want to go there. But, there's no use in rushing things. Taking it slow can't be too bad, right? I'm torn and I'm not sad. Just so very confused and terribly intrigued. Oh, goodness.

In other news, I surprisingly respect you more. Who knew?

"It takes some time to see things through.
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting,
We need grace either way.

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying.
It's a vulnerable place to be.
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces, baby,
Only one makes you free."

Oh, today

The dreaded Valentine's Day.
Wasn't really anything to dread at all.
It's just any other day.
Surprisingly, it was much better than I expected.

I suppose you can chalk it up to a new found sense of self.
Or maybe the wonderful support system I have.
All of the above... and maybe just...
peace.
I know it'll be alright.
And I got chocolate, flowers, and I wore a pink sweater.

And I mean who could not have a good day with such a hott valentine?

Seriously.

everything is a choice.

Secret

Oh, dear
Where have you been?

And I truly believe.

I know it's going to be a long time coming. I know it's going to be hard. I know that there are times where I'm going to get frustrated to the point of wanting to give in and completely give up. But, and this is a good but, I also know, somewhere in my heart... Despite the bad and despite whatever else... I have this peace. I know that this isn't as good as it gets. I know that eventually everything is going to be alright and even better than I could've imagined.

I guess, more than anything, it's wonderful feeling like it's totally out of my hands. Because there's nothing I can do in my power. It's in Your hands now and, for once, I want relinquish my control. To You. Because I know You won't ever let me down.

And in writing these words, I realize just how long it took me to reach this point. I look back and I feel like I've already run a full-blown marathon; however, at the same time, I know I've only taken the first few steps.

This whole patience, "One day at a time" thing is much harder than it seems, I think.

Red notebook thoughts

On nights like this I feel like my skin can't quite contain
The passion inside that burns unbidden
I know if I will, pieces of me'll fly every way
Until nothing but radiance remains.

So full of hope, like a flower forgotten
Hidden under the unforgiving frost
Poking up at last towards the promise
Poised and set for my sun.

Nothing can stop me
Nothing can hold me down
Because I am me
And, really
That's all I need.

You give and give then you give yourself right away

I suppose I should write, but I'm sort of devoid of emotion currently. You know, I know that things aren't always as bad as they seem, but sometimes... Those small things just seem so terribly bad.

I need a new story. A new song.

Because this one that seems to be on repeat is getting old.

I just want to get beyond this place that I'm in... Wherever "this place" is, exactly. And I don't know what the "beyond" looks like. What it is, when it's coming. But when it does come, I assure you, I'll be more than ready for it and deserving of it.

I keep trying to believe for something more than just "different." Because, really, "different" only takes you so far from what you used to have. I need "better" and I need it right now. I promised myself that I'm never going to settle again, but sometimes I worry that I'll look back and see that I missed out on something wonderful because I was too scared to act like I cared.

I know that Your plan for me is complete, and I appreciate that, but recently I'm having so much trouble. I don't doubt You, but help me. I'm not perfect. I'm a mess. But You already know that, right? Heh.

I don't even know why I'm posting now. I'm not writing this for pity or advice or to seem overly melodramatic. I guess, I just need my place. Somewhere where I can say everything, but nothing at the same time. Or maybe the idea that some stranger may come along, read and relate to this and maybe feel not quite so alone validates me. Or maybe it's because I don't have anything better to do except for sleep. Or all of the above.

Definitely all of the above.

"You don't know me,
And you don't even care,"
She said,
"You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains."

She said, "I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice."

Beauty in the breaking

What I get from my reflection,
Isn't what I thought I'd see.
Give me reason to believe,
You'd never keep me incomplete.
You untie this loss of mine,
That easily defines me.
Do you see it on my face?
That all I can think about is how long,
I've been waiting to feel You move me?

Close my eyes and hold my heart.
Cover me and make me something.
Change this something normal,
Into something beautiful.

And I'm still fighting for the word to break these chains.
And I still pray when I look in Your eyes,
You'll stare right back down,
Into something beautiful.
-Jars of Clay-

The List.

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (i.e. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (i.e. represent some amount of work on my part).

Today is Tuesday, February 6, 2007. In 1,001 days, it will be Wednesday, November 4, 2009. Today, I am 20 years old. In November of 2009, I will be 22 years old. I will (God willing) be completing my final semesters towards my Master's Degree at Virginia Tech. To summarize:

Start Date: Tuesday, February 6, 2007.
Goal Date: Wednesday, November 4, 2009.

-Items in italics are currently in progress
-Items in are bold are completed


Bethany's List:
1. Jump into the ocean, fully clothed.
2. Have a letter to the editor published.
3. Ride a mechanical bull.
4. Participate in a Karaoke night.
5. Watch a sunrise.
6. Make a snowman, complete with top hat, coal, and carrots.
7. Send a book to a random address. Don't use a return address.
8. Send a postcard to myself from wherever I travel.
9. Spend one week without watching television.
10. Put coins in expired parking meters.
11. Shovel snow.
12. Send a secret to Postsecret.
13. Go TPing.
14. Write individual letters for all the people I care about in case I die in a freak accident.
15. Read all the books that I own, but have not read yet.
16. Ride in a hot air balloon.
17. Go to the very top of the Eiffel Tower.
18. Go back to New York.
19. Ice skate in Rockerfeller Center
20. Plant a successful garden.
21. Get a job that I actually enjoy.
22. Renew my passport.
23. Do a mother/daughter trip to a spa.
24. See 'Wicked' and sing along to all the songs.
25. See the Northern Lights.
26. Go a month without buying anything on impulse.
27. Tell people what they mean to me and be honest when the things they do, or don't do, hurt me.
28. Drive the Golden Gate bridge in a convertible.
29. Go on another mission's trip.
30. Get really cute rain boots and go puddle jumping.
31. Convince a friend to do their own 101 in 1,001 list and then help them and encourage them as they progress through the list.
32. Be in bed by 11:00 pm every night for a month.
33. Get front-row tickets to a concert of my choosing.
34. Pay for the car behind me in the fast-food drive through.
35. Keep my car completely clean for a month.
36. Move out.
37. Save at least $500 in the next 1,001 days.
38. Create a stellar résumé.
39. Become independently insured.
40. Pay rent.
41. Get off Facebook and AIM for three months. Get off Myspace indefinitely.
42. Go a month without buying and/or drinking caffeine of any sort.
43. Buy a planner and actually use it.
44. Donate blood three times over the next 3 years. (1/2 for 2007, 0/2008)
45. Discover 10 new artists/bands that I enjoy (6/10). (The Juliana Theory, Augustana, Regina Spektor, Jon Mclaughlin, Feist, Sara Barellis)
46. Buy flowers for my mom and sister.
47. Be well on my way to completing my degree in the Master's program.
48. Volunteer at a nursing home.
49. Bake a cake completely from scratch.
50. Keep my room clean for a week.
51. Audition for a play and/or Survivor.
52. Finish the book that I've been putting off.
53. Knit a scarf.
54. Paint a picture.
55. Learn to play a semi-difficult song on the piano from memory.
56. Do one full pull up.
57. Make a financial plan and stick to it for 6 months.
58. Buy a new laptop.
59. Relearn all the states and their capitals.
60. Write a poem a day for a month.
61. Learn some music theory.
62. Become CPR certified.
63. Watch the IMDB's Top 10 Films (0/10).
64. Read 25 novels in the Modern Library’s “Board’s List” of 100 Best Novels (0/25).
65. Attend 6 movies by myself (2/6).
66. Drink 8 glasses of water a day for a month.
67. Learn my family stories and write them all down.
68. Learn to say 10 phrases in French (French: 1/10)

69. Go horseback riding.
70. Learn how to change the oil in my car.
71. Get straight A's for two semesters.
72. Drive a standard for at least 5 miles, not all on the highway.
73. Buy a lottery ticket.
74. Learn to surf.
75. Join a fitness class or exercise daily for at least a month.
76. Be able to run a mile.
77. Go rock climbing.
78. Eat like a vegan for a week.
79. Learn to ice skate successfully.
80. Go skiing.
81. Be so flexible I can do a split.
82. Make saying grace a habit at every meal no matter where I am.
83. Stretch every morning for a month.

84. Stay away from fast food for 3 months.
85. Hike to a campsite and stay there for the night. In a tent.
86. Sky-dive.
87. Submit various works that I've written to publishers.
88. Commit to praying daily for someone I've never met.
89. Pray for my future husband (For my "real" husband).
90. Be a witness to everyone I meet.
91. Add something to a Wikipedia listing.
92. Read the Bible... all of it.
93. Make a promise to God and keep it.
94. Send a message in a bottle.
95. Sponsor a child in another country and write to them.
96. Gather together the clothes I haven’t worn in a year and donate them.
97. Make fried chicken.
98. Go a week without gossiping about anybody.
99. Eat tofu.
100. Start a new 101 in 1,001 list when this one is halfway finished.
101. Dedicate my life to completely serving, listening to, and trusting in Jesus Christ.

Piece together

I am absolutely convinced that there is nothing quite as therapeutic as a good, long cry. Not necessarily a sad cry or a happy cry. Just a cry for the sake of crying. I know it's a cliche girl deal. Whatever. I allow myself one tremendous, scheduled cry every month. Random movie moments and Hallmark commercials aside, I stick to my schedule very well.

This cry wasn't due for another week, however, today after a very long day, I decided my calendar needed an adjustment. So, I watched Steel Magnolias, sat down on my bed with a box of Kleenex, read things, and cried and cried... until I realized, like I always do, that there are much more productive and wonderful things I should be doing and then, just like that, I stopped crying. And got up, wiped my eyes, looked in the mirror, and promised myself that I'll be more than fine until next month. Which I will be, naturally. Somehow it gets seemingly easier.

I don't know how it does that, but I'm not complaining.


It's late. I'm tired.

English Literature is my favorite

They say that Hope is happiness-
But genuine Love must prize the past;
And Mem'ry wakes the thoughts that bless:
They rose the first- they set the last.

And all that mem'ry loved the most
Was once our only hope to be:
And all that hope adored and lost
Hath melted into memory.

Alas! it is delusion all-
The future cheats us from afar;
Nor can we be what we recall,
Nor dare we think on what we are.
-Lord Byron-

Hello, February

Cause and effect. Choice and consequence. For every action, there is a reaction.

Recently, I've been questioning myself about the results of my actions. Every lie, every harmful word, every time I chose to forget what I've learned. Every decision I thought didn't affect or harm anyone but myself. In thinking about these things, I realize that every decision, even the small ones I've made, has changed my life and has changed others' lives in unimaginable ways. Some people say that our lives are controlled by destiny, that we don't have any say. And while I do believe my steps are ordered by God, I can't believe that I don't have any say in the outcome of my life.

Every single decision, no matter how minuet, affects someone else other than yourself. Sometimes decisions cause hurt, elation, indifference, but any way you think about it you're influencing someone. From the person who sees you in the background and secretly idolizes you, to the person who knows you best.. You may not be able to see it at first, in a month, maybe not even in ten years; but one day you're going to look back and see how it all connects. Even now I see instances, choices I've made, and looking back I can't help but wonder. Would my current situation be easier had I made a difficult decision then, in the past... instead of taking the convenient way out?

I don't blame myself, but it's hard to think about the "maybe's" and the "what-if's." And even as much as they suck, I know they're forcing me to become a better person. As hard as it is to look back, I realize it's necessary because as hard as it is... It's extremely cathartic. I've made a promise to myself that my mistakes are a one-time-only deal. And right now, I promise that I won't ever again be ignorant to the lives I impact around me.

That's why I'm taking a stand. I cannot to be silent any longer. Because if one bad decision can change the course of someone's life... Doesn't a good decision have just as much or more power? I refuse watch from the sidelines and hope things will turn out alright. I'm taking an active role in my life and in the lives of those around me because I think enough people, myself included, have let things slide for too long. So I'm going to jump in... And live with purpose.

Because I know things are bigger than just you and I.

"If you persist in staying silent at a time like this, help and deliverance will arrive... from someplace else; but you and your family will be wiped out. Who knows? Maybe you were made... for just such a time as this."
-Esther 4:14-