Being so sleepy makes me jumbled

Not to be utterly narcissistic but I just wanted to state that I am so much better than all of this. You know, I don't like subjecting myself to this type of torment. I agonize myself. I almost convince myself that marvelous things will happen... and then when things do they don't quite happen the way they should or the way I want them to. And I'm not even sure if that's what I really want necessarily. Or, most importantly, what I need. At least I can acknowledge the fact that what I need what I think I want are completely different things.

On that note, I will cite a brief occurrence in a short-lived, quasi-friendship. Life lesson #34: Never even contemplate liking a boy who doesn't truly love Jesus and who also happens to be the object of affection for a very dear friend. Despite the fact he's mostly well-spoken and you have a mutual appreciation for literature. It's so not worth it.

I also know that despite how hard I pray, things aren't going to happen when I want them to or how I desire them to. I have to be patient and, really, this is a massive undertaking; and an even bigger learning experience.

I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm waiting, and anticipating.

Come at me, 2007.

God bless us

What a Christmas.
This Christmas really was magical. I spent alot of time with people that mean so much to me. New traditions started and I made memories that I know will last me forever. Even with my newly acquired, extensive vocabulary I can't quite articulate just how much I loved this Christmas. From Christmas songs around the Christmas tree, to my Chanel No. 5, to surprise phone calls from wonderful people, to three different types of cake, to IHOP and scary Christmas movies with Ricky, to remembering but not regretting.
Also, I think it's important for you to know that even though I'm not putting my life on hold, I'm not leaving you behind. I know we're just friends and I know that you can do whatever you want to, but I also do not want to think less of you. You are a man of integrity, you do still have an amazing plan for your life. So, my Christmas wish for you is that despite the pressure, despite the questions... My wish is simply that you never lose that spark, that understanding.
As for me, here, in the last fifteen minutes of yuletide, I will revel in the glory of my first Christmas as a full-blown adult, watch a Christmas movie or The Devil Wears Prada, and contemplate what course of action to take next in my life.
This new year is going to be so good. I can feel it. And if life can change this drastically, I am excited to see where I am by next Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

"...and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed that knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us."

Music expresses how I feel better than I can

I'm at a loss for words. Things that I'm doing, I wish I hadn't done, and the things I want most are unreachable. I'm so very confused.
So, in order to better understand me, I recommend you either listen to or look up the lyrics for the following songs (that I've had on repeat play for a while):

1) Nickel Creek- Why Should the Fire Die?
2) Fiona Apple- Get Gone
3) KT Tunstall- Silent Sea
4) Norah Jones- Lonestar
5) John Mayer- Back to You
6) Maroon 5- The Sun
7) Train- Drops of Jupiter

My music speaks better for me than I can for myself, I think.

Almost there

We're almost there and I feel alot better. I wish I could elaborate, but that is for another time. After an interesting day at Target and a wonderful, wonderful night with my Kimmy, I'm not actually begrudging the next few weeks. I'm looking forward to what they hold. Christmas is full of promise, of hope, and I lost that. I smile and it's genuine, I laugh and I mean it. Still...
I don't really want alot of things... Mostly, I just want to believe again.

Sleepiness

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished."
-Luke 1:45-

I'm not going to pretend to understand why this is all happening the way it is, but I trust You. Help me when I can't see the "why" because I know that You are working in the background. And I know Your plan for my life is so much better than anything I could think up for myself. Tonight I just have to salvage the state I'm in and walk on, like always. And even though I'm in a continuous state of walking on, you're still with me... and I'm still praying for you.

Nothing left to say

I don't understand this strong, strong emotion that I'm feeling coursing through my body right now. Just an overwhelming question mingled in with it...
Why??...
I don't understand and oh, boy, I wish I did.
I'm just so very tired.
I'm tired of this game and I'm not going to play anymore.
It's just hard to forget not to remember.

What a conundrum

HAHAHA! haha. Goodness! Today was completely and utterly random in so so sooooooooooo many ways. I won't say that I minded, but let me give you a taste:
Almost getting killed 8273.3 times in Ricky's car, going to the skeezy downtown Macado's and leaving a terrible tip for our very unfortunate looking waiter, subversive cross stitching, deciding "U Can't Touch This" is my new theme song, Hotel Roanoke (yet again!) at Christmastime, singing Fergie rap and "Wanna Be" very loudly in the make-out elevator, stealing pens and candy, seeing no attractive boys whatsoever at the mall, buying a classy bookend and trying on mile-high stripper shoes at the not-so-classy 52 weeks of Romance, a surprising and discombobulated phone call, extremely random outings with Alexandra, going in search of one person and finding another, confessions about many a boy, belting out KT Tunstall songs, discovering my new found gumption (!!!!!!!) that I didn't know that I had in the doorway of Victoria's secret (note: that probably won't amount to anything at all, but still!!!!) , buying an amazingly cheap cute shirt, Wendy's, littering, and bearing my soul. All while being called 34 times and ignoring every call.

I love today.

Minus the 34 calls, that is.

I realized something today.

With you, I'm not mourning the loss of what we were.
Mostly
I'm mourning the loss of what we could have been.

Hmm.

I hope for you.
And even if you've lost yours,
I'll try to have enough.

Winter forgets summer's memories

There were two
on the hill behind the brick building.
Together there, looking up at the clouds
making shapes, naming them
as they reflect in her eyes.
Watching them shift into others
and fade away.

There were two
when the blue changed to midnight.
Together there, ankle deep in the green grass
walking familiar fields
as the moon shone, bright in their eyes.
Laying their cares and themselves
down in the street.

There was one
who threw it all to the wind.
Alone there, scattering promises for nothing
smiling in photographs
hiding the pain in his eyes.
But I can see you're
conveniently forgetting
the two who once shared and
that she still cares.

Forgetting conveniently
me.

KT Tunstall has insight into my soul

The fire fades away
and most of every day
is filled with tired excuses
but it's too hard to say.
I wish it were simple, but we give up easily.
You're close enough to see that
you're the other side of the world to me.

On comes the panic light
holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
the fire fades away.

Can you help me?
Can you let me go?
And can you still love me
when you can't see me anymore?

My soundtrack

If you want to know how I'm feeling right now, at this very moment, intertwine the lyrics to "Drops of Jupiter" by Train, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana, to "Silent Sea" by KT Tunstall, to "Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot, to "Call Me" by Blondie, to "Shoot the Moon" by Norah Jones, to "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye, last but not least, "Merry Christmas, Darling" by Karen Carpenter. Remixed. With the Swedish Chef laughing in the background.

I'm. so. juuuuuuuuuumbled. up. and it's hilarious.

Oh, what a night

I don't think I've ever had quite so much fun before. Tonight, I broke out of my "norm" in a very positive, non-destructive way and it was such an adventure!... I mean, legally sneaking into a musical, getting into a '21 and over restaurant' for the literal purpose of eating, making fun of the drunkards, and making eyes at attractive men. This inevitably led to the coffee house where we discovered even more attractive people that engaged us in some semi-enthralling conversation. Not to mention I got asked for my number for the first time in my life, I think. It's not that important because, honestly, it was kind of seedy; I just think that it's some sort of oddly, hilarious milestone in my 20 year old existence.
Also tonight I discovered something that I hadn't realized before. Or rather, hadn't needed to recognize before. This discovery being that I have absolutely no gumption whatsoever. And I desperately need some.

Note to self:
Work on perfecting the art of the glance and nod.

Haiku

inevitably
apathy silences your
lost eyelash wishes.

Goodness gracious.

I'm feeling slightly transcendental today, so, please, bear with me.
Today, in the brief minutes I have to run from ITE on one side of campus to Spanish 101, I thought of something slightly profound.
I am so much more than all this.
What happened to commence this startling idea was a simple memory. A Christmas parade I went to when I was seven. This, to an outsider, may seem an insignificant and even ridiculous, detail but I remembered...
I remembered me, thirteen years ago, looking at my mom and dad, smiling, and thinking about how beautiful Christmas was and how happy I was just to be there, to be here.
If I was like that before, why not now?... Why do I dwell on defeat? Why do I desire the one thing that is not right for me at the present time? And most importantly, why must I live in the past when I have so much ahead of me?
The answer I figured was not complicated at all. It's incredibly, astoundingly simple.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I don't have to.
I don't have to let this define me. And I refuse to allow it anymore.
This whole ordeal, if anything, has only taught me to be self-reliant and while I've grown in this area, I haven't really explored this option to my fullest oppertunity. I've been too scared that I'll fail, that I'll finally grasp something real only to have it ripped away.
But no more.
As for you, I'm not going to let you dictate my actions or emotions. It's not your fault, per say because I was letting you, but I can't do this. It's too hard. And with the person I know at the moment, I do, honestly, deserve better.
So, on this wonderful December day, I say all this to take a sigh of relief and exclaim:
"Hello, Bethany Noel, and welcome to the first day of your new life!"
My life not as a girlfriend, not as a hottie, not as any superflous title.
Just me.
And this, my friends, is a wonderful revelation.

Too bad I can't write music.

Every day I try to regret
the times, your smile
Our random songs
but there's a constant melody
hidden in my memory
that rings silently on
long after you're gone.

I'm two months from your touch
and I'm empowered
much stronger that I suspected
I'm fine on my own
Yet, I wonder
when mine is the one you want
whose hand do you reach to hold?

I know you're lonely sometimes
out there in all your space
and some faces are just too hard to let go
Especially when you
don't really know if you want them replaced.

Darling, don't think I'm naiive
I don't need you
and you might not need me
But, this is our fork in the road
The weeds from the seeds of the words you've sown
put us a short distance away
from a sad demise.

So
Don't you forget
my offer stands
Even though you don't deserve it
my forgiveness is yours
Drop it
or take it
You hold it in your hands.