Wonderful, indeed

I apologize for that long winded rant. I don't want July to end on a sour note since it has, for the most part, been quite lovely.

And for once, it's not merely because I've met someone that has made a month of my life seem more fulfilling. Not that at all. July has been a month of getting rid of hang-ups that have been putting my happiness on the back-burner. Which I can happily and unequivocally state will happen no longer.

I'm not mad, I'm not bitter, I'm not distraught... I'm nothing like I thought I would be. Things are just... different now, I suppose. I see you in a very different light. And though your limelight may suit you just fine, I realized I don't look best in that shade and I never will. Simple as that.

So, here's to July. Here's to hard work and well-deserved beaches. Here's to not knowing and putting myself out there anyways. Here's to discovering what I knew I didn't want and hoping for what I know I'll find. Or what I've already found.

August, you have some big shoes to fill.

Not sure who this one's for

And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
to let you know you mean more to me than what I know how to say.
You're okay with the way this is going to be;
'cause this is going to be the best thing we've ever seen.

If anyone can make me a better person, you could.
All I gotta say is I must've done something good.
I came along one day and you rearranged my life.
All I gotta say is I must've done something right.
I must've done something right.

Maybe I'm just lucky, 'cause it's hard to believe;
Believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me.
And I know that it's so cliche to talk about you this way
but I'll push all my inhibitions aside.
It's so very obvious to everyone watching us
that we have got something real good going on.

I don't suppose...

Progress for the sake of progress is ever a good thing.

For the first time in a long time, I'm actually glad I'm working so much at Target. It helps keep my mind off things. You know... I'm a very perceptive person. It's really easy for me to look at someone in a certain situation and analyze why they did the things they did. Why they made the decisions they made. But, in my case. It's not so easy. I look at my choices and what I see is a bunch of nonsense.

I'm sad, mostly, because I feel so far away from You. I hate it. I feel like every time I try to talk to You, my numerous mistakes come back and slap me in the face... and I can't confront them. I feel like I've failed You. I tried to do something I felt You lead me to do and it didn't happen. Just when everything was starting to look up. I know You've forgiven him and I know You've forgiven me for all of my mistakes, but it's so hard for me to forget. So hard.

Maybe that's why I'm so confused. I thought for sure this was something that was going to happen, but then it didn't... I'm not sure if it would have in the first place. I know I promised I'd trust You, and I do, with all my heart. I just get discouraged sometimes. What's hardest is the person I want to tell the most doesn't even care to listen. Doesn't even care about me anymore. And while I wish I could simply stop caring, I can't. I just wish Your answers were more clear sometimes.

I think I need to go shopping. Shopping always makes me feel slightly better.

What a tangled web we weave...

You never thought I'd find out, did you?... I know I wasn't supposed to and you thought you covered your tracks pretty well, but surprise. I found out. If I could go back to that summer, had I known then... I assure you, I would've kept myself from that lie a moment longer. It's not that I don't forgive you for what you knowingly did to me, but I don't know if I'll ever be able look at you the same way again. The ironic thing is, I thought I was lucky to have you... When in reality, I have always been and will always be better.

Well I must be mistaking you for somebody else
I know you all to well, or do I?

I heard you say
we were one and the same.
Well, wrong again.
I could never do those things you did to me.
I will be okay
and in time you will fade
into the nothing that you are.
The nothing you are.

I know mistakes will hunt you down, eventually.
You'll know that when you hit the ground.
Your weakness did you in, and dealt me out.
It's okay, I have the truth on my side.

From one to another

Well, hello again. It's been a little while, hasn't it?... We just got back from vacation and I hardly slept last night. Maybe it's being back home, maybe it's having to be by myself. Whatever it was, here's what I've been thinking about since I tried to go to sleep at 2 o'clock this morning. And I thought I would share since my thoughts are just dying to get out of me anyways. So, here we go.

I think I've lost one of the best friends I've ever had. And it absolutely kills me. A part of me died when I came home to find they had disowned me completely. The horrible part is that it's entirely my fault, my doing. I don't know what to do and the hardest part is knowing that I was just that easy to write off, you know? I mean, yes, I did a pretty terrible thing, but still. I know he still cares for me... And I for him. I just don't know where we go from here. At least, if nothing else and notwithstanding from what happens we'll always have the memories.

Also, completely unrelated, I found something out that confuses me terribly. I was perusing a website with one of my friends and I discovered two very different things that were supposed to be the same thing. You know, I know that I don't talk to this person very much... and when I do, it always seems to end up being awkward or weird, but I don't understand why they'd feel the need to do what they did unless... I don't know. And see, the thing is, I just don't care enough to find out. This whole thing is ridiculous and I'm sick of putting myself out there. So, for the sake of my sanity, I'm going to drop this subject and move onto the next before I either say something I don't mean or confuse myself any further. Bah.

Well, that's where I am and if you got this far, I commend you. But now that I've quieted, for the most part, my assortment of musings I'm going to attempt to go just back to sleep. And if that fails, I'm sure As You Like It will knock me out cold.

If ever there was a song to describe me.

She likes chocolate in the morning.
She drinks her coffee late at night.
You can sense that she is guarded,
but that's alright.
She'll fall asleep while you're still talking,
with unfinished books beside her bed.
She'll cancel all of her appointments
and go shopping instead.

And in spite of what is right,
far beyond what she'd except.
When the moon begs the question,
will you have the answer yet?
Can't you just adore her?
Can't you just adore her?

She loves to watch the sunset,
but she is partial to the rain.
With those tears and that umbrella,
her allure goes unexplained.
You made dinner in your apartment,
you both assume that she'll be late.
She always has the best intentions,
her goodness is innate.

And in spite of what is right,
far beyond what she'd except.
When the moon begs the question,
will you have the answer yet?
Can't you just adore her?
Can't you just adore her?
Why can't you just adore her?

I like chocolate in the morning.
I drink my coffee late at night.