Music & Lyrics makes me happy.

I've been living with a shadow overhead.
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed.
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on.

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday.
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine.
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs.
I know that it's out there,
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere.

I've been looking for someone to shed some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night.
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end.

There are moments when I don't know if it's real.
Or if anybody feels the way I feel.
I need inspiration,
Not just another negotiation.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do.
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end.

She loves smiling, but

I'm so tired.

You know, I always believed that my life would yield me a ridiculously satisfying romance. The ones that they write stories about, the kind they put into film. And though I still believe that wholeheartedly, it hurts to believe. It hurts to wait.

I'm just sick of settling. So often I feel like I settle. And I know that somewhere out there is a man that will meet every standard. I know somewhere there is a man who will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. There just has to be. I think what my problem boils down to is sometimes I just have trouble trusting God. His timing and my timing don't quite match up. I don't doubt in the least, but I want so badly to just be satisfied.

Now, I don't really want a relationship. I'm at a point in my life where I'm far too selfish to devote my time to anyone but myself. However, I do want a friendship. I want to be appreciated. But more than anything, I desperately want to meaningfully kiss someone again. Kisses aren't kisses unless you genuinely care... I just don't know how much longer I can take this weird, limbo state my life is in.

I'm going to stop complaining now and go to bed.

cautiously optomisic

Sing sweet, sing low,
Say you'll never let me go.
'Cause I've gone long enough,
Waiting for wonderful.

Sing sweet, sing low,
Say you'll never let me go.
So won't you stay?
Never fail,
And never let me go?

(You're making it so hard not to fall.)

*yawn*

Conflicting questions are crashing around
the confines of my heart.
What should I do? Is the decision even mine?
What can I lose if I choose?
And if I do, then where do we start?

If I try to learn from past mistakes
I know we turn them around.
We could start to rebuild broken hearts
and use the lost time we make
to find some common standing ground.

I see your smile slipping slowly away and I miss it
more than you could possibly comprehend.
But, my friend
I need more than words to convince me to stay.
I want you to show me a promise from our tomorrow
to keep me here, with you, in my today.

There isn't a fitting title, I apologize.

As I sit here, not wanting to write this, not really caring about eloquence, but knowing I have to try... I just feel... empty. I feel empty. I feel without. I feel conflicted. And at the same time I feel like I'm pretending to be strong. Part of me wants to be strong, is mostly strong, and needs to be strong. Needs to be strong for my friends, strong for the community. Then the other part of me is terrified. Utterly terrified and indescribably sad.

I see all these things around me, hear all the words, fight back my own tears. I drive on those same streets, I walk down those sidewalks, go into those buildings, but it all seems so foreign. Like a movie set gone terribly wrong. I still can't comprehend that this happened ten minutes from my home.

I realize I wasn't there, but my friends, they were. They saw these horrors firsthand. And I feel sort of selfish for the sorrow I feel because I wasn't there. I can't imagine the unspeakable horror and disbelief they experienced so I don't feel worthy enough to feel my sorrow. I know I could've been there, however, even in justifying it, it doesn't seem right. All I can say for my deep sadness is that there are people in my life, that I truly care more about more than myself, who are deeply affected.

You know, I keep telling myself God has a plan in all of this. A reason behind all the numerous "What If's" and "Why Not's" and behind the well-deserved anger. Although it's incredibly hard I keep coming back to the things I know God has promised us. I know He promises He always works for the good of those who love Him. I know He promises us He'll never leave us. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, His grace is sufficient for everything we could ever need. Even in this.

But, God, I won't lie. I need a lot right now and so does Blacksburg. So, my prayer is going to be a simple one because complicated prayers aren't really my thing. I only pray that God, You'll give us all Your peace, clothe us in Your forgiveness, and cover us, every single one of us, in Your love. That's all I ask.

*sigh*

I think times like this teach you to live again. They cause you to re-evaluate your life, show you how much people mean to you, and make you aware of the small things we all take for granted. As much as this hurts, I never want to forget. I never want to forget how it felt when I heard those news reports, the fear I felt when finding whether or not my friends were okay, the relief in knowing, the terror of the day, and now... The painful recovery of our broken hearts.

Tonight as I type this, glad that I wrote... I can't help but cry the tears I thought had run out. I cry for the families who lost loved ones, for my friends whom I love, and for the memories of our lost peace... which I have no doubt we'll regain once more.

So, let's get it back.
Wipe away our tears, in time. Get mad, then get over it.
Let's get strong. Again. Together.

Let's go Hokies.

Bunnies and eggs

Happy Easter.

You know, Easter is supposed to be a time for saving, a time for rebirth. And that's what I want for you, for everyone.

*sigh*

There are some things I can't say. Not because I'm scared and certainly not because I don't want to. I think it's because sometimes words aren't powerful enough to match the feeling behind them. I feel like nothing I could type on here would measure a portion of what I feel inside of my heart. No lyrics I could substitute, no poems I could utilize would do any good because no one has experienced my feelings the way that I'm feeling them right now.

I'm so conflicted and I know this isn't "Easter appropriate" but I can't help but feel sort of sad. My head and my heart are pulling me in two different directions and I'm not really sure which is the right one. I don't know. I just don't know.

But my only hope is that I figure the right one out sooner rather than later.

Six months...

Wow. What in the heck happened happened to March?... Man, March was a whirlwind of a month. In a good/bad/amazing way.

I didn't even realize until I was driving home today... Today is April 2nd and I totally missed yesterday. April 1st, half a year. Half a year has passed since that day.I can't believe it. It seems like it hasn't been that long so much that I have to keep checking to make sure.

What a difference half a year can make. Let's see... Six months ago I was lost and alone and I didn't know who the "real" Bethany was. Look how much things change. Six months later, I feel like pieces of myself, qualities I didn't even know I possessed have asserted themselves. I feel more confident than ever before in myself and where I'm heading. I love the person I am and I know I'll never compromise myself again. Well, at least I'll try not to.

In some ways though I still feel like the same girl... And I still feel for you. I suppose I'm too forgiving, but I'd be willing to give you another shot at being my friend. I don't know if you feel the same way, and I don't really care whether you do or not because you're too proud to care anyways, but I just wanted to tell you.

In conclusion, today's far too nice to be sitting at a computer so deck reading, here I come!