Deconstruct

It's been a long time... possibly because I got so wrapped up in the life I have now that I neglected being introspective. Or because I'm not required to write anymore (since I've graduated) so I've subconsciously decided to rebel against it in every possible medium. Or it's because I had a constant companion in which to confide and good friends to boot... Or perhaps I was nervous on what I'd discover if I began writing again.

Whatever the reasoning was, here I am now. In desperate need of blog therapy.

Here's the deal.

I have a friend... or had a friend... whom I love very much. And as a result of that love, she's been able to hurt me more than any friend I've ever had. I trusted her, I believed in her-- for what? To be heartbroken and alone? Not my idea of a great relationship.

So let's examine the destruction of a friendship, shall we?:

If I'm truthful with myself I can see that us not being friends is for the best. We never really did "connect." I think that's partly because she held herself back from me (insecurity? lack of trust in me? anxiety about friendships in general? I guess I'll never know), but also because I was always nervous that I would say the wrong thing to her and she wouldn't want to be friends with me. Lame, right? I know, but I digress. Truly, another reason I wasn't comfortable with her was because I was jealous of her. She is a beautiful, smart, and talented woman-- she has a wonderful relationship with her husband-- and she has a lot going for her. I would always feel slightly subservient to her, even though I believe that she never did see all the things in herself that I saw in her.

Honestly, one of the most frustrating aspects of our friendship, and the thing that ultimately contributed to the downfall of our friendship, was her lack of commitment. I loved talking to her and doing things with her, even if it was just seeing a movie or hanging out at one of our houses, however I never felt like or had any tangible proof that the feeling was reciprocated. She never initiated anything-- unless it was convenient for her-- although I went out of my way numerous times to accommodate her.

She's doing other things now and, as odd as this is going to sound, I can't help but remember that this feeling is similar to my first, real breakup. Even though my ex and I broke up eons ago I still vividly recall the pangs of jealousy finding out that he was hanging out with other people; that he was out there spending time with someone other than me. Looking back, it wasn't so much losing him that was hard (although it was devastating), as it was not having him. Confused? Let me explain...

He was my crutch. When I didn't have anyone else I knew I would have him. To hang out with, to call, to confide in... and I think the same thing happened here. Even though we didn't talk consistently I still had her as an outlet. I knew I could talk to her and trust her-- and vice versa.

But I think the same thing happened here as it did in my relationship with my ex; we had other dreams we had to explore and different paths we wanted to go down in our lives. Instead of converging, our lives are diverging. Both she and her husband lives are undecided right now. They are enrolled in college for their Bachelor's Degree, getting ready to go to Graduate school, and possibly moving-- whereas my husband and I are settling down. We're both done with school (for now at least), have full-time jobs, and are getting ready to have a house payment.

I think my real hurt is self-inflicted. I expected her to be my "best" friend and when she couldn't be that I mentally tore her down. Not to say that she's in the clear in this either, because let's be honest, she literally chopped me out of her life-- but I am admitting to my part in this affair. My unwillingness to accept that she wasn't who I thought she was and me blaming her for that, as well as my attempt to force into existence something that wasn't meant to be in the first place.

I wrote a letter explaining to her how I feel, but I'm not sure if I can actually send it. Or if it even matters enough in the grand scheme of things. Maybe some things just aren't meant to be. Maybe sometimes people just have to leave your life. Maybe you have to learn to be okay with it. And maybe, just maybe, you'll grow because of it.

So there you go. No absolution, no explanations, and no answers-- but at least I can be honest here.

Until later...