Here we go again...

And so here we are.

Ben and I are married now... We have been for a little over two weeks. Some of it still hasn't sunk in yet. At some moments it's surreal; going home to Ben, falling asleep in his arms, living our lives together.

I can't believe a year passed so quickly. It seems like yesterday that I met Ben and he changed my life forever... The more I think about it, the more I wish I could go back and freeze frame certain moments of last fall. Or I could go back knowing what I know now and not put myself in certain situations or even just reassure my 20 year-old self that she'll make it through and to not worry because everything will turn out fine. It didn't seem that way then, or back in May, but God's brought me through so much this past year and I can't help but thank Him for his provision and for giving my husband wisdom in a seemingly lose-lose situation.

Which brings me to this... What do you do when all you want is to be accepted for who you are by people you love instead of being accepted because of what you can do for them? I love my second parents, but sometimes it seems like they have a vendetta against me and blame me entirely for us leaving their church and attending ours.

I want, more than anything, for us to see each other as we did before January; before Ben left and we set up walls in our hearts against each other. I include myself in that because I'm guilty too. It's hard for me to open my heart to someone that's hurt me and they have... But maybe it's a two-way street, maybe I've hurt them too. Maybe they don't understand it's not personal that we decided to leave... Because it's not. I just wish I could be around them and support them in their ministry endevours without them pressuring me, telling me to come back, as if it's my sole decision and I'm the "it" factor in this equation.

I just don't know what to do. We're going to talk to them soon about Ben's position at our church and in light of yesterday, I don't know how well it's going to go over. I've asked for wisdom and I'm more confused than ever. I know God'll answer in His time, but the waiting is the hardest part for me... But more than that, I pray for Ben. That he'll stay strong and steadfast in the call God's put on his life and that the outcome of our conversation with his parents will be a step to reconstructing his parent's view of him and of us.

But, truly, for all its up-s and down-s, marriage is so awesome. I'm so thankful for Ben and for the gift God's given me in him! I also want to thank God for the work He's doing in our finances. God really is so good to us!

Until later...