As I sit here, not wanting to write this, not really caring about eloquence, but knowing I have to try... I just feel... empty. I feel empty. I feel without. I feel conflicted. And at the same time I feel like I'm pretending to be strong. Part of me wants to be strong, is mostly strong, and needs to be strong. Needs to be strong for my friends, strong for the community. Then the other part of me is terrified. Utterly terrified and indescribably sad.
I see all these things around me, hear all the words, fight back my own tears. I drive on those same streets, I walk down those sidewalks, go into those buildings, but it all seems so foreign. Like a movie set gone terribly wrong. I still can't comprehend that this happened ten minutes from my home.
I realize I wasn't there, but my friends, they were. They saw these horrors firsthand. And I feel sort of selfish for the sorrow I feel because I wasn't there. I can't imagine the unspeakable horror and disbelief they experienced so I don't feel worthy enough to feel my sorrow. I know I could've been there, however, even in justifying it, it doesn't seem right. All I can say for my deep sadness is that there are people in my life, that I truly care more about more than myself, who are deeply affected.
You know, I keep telling myself God has a plan in all of this. A reason behind all the numerous "What If's" and "Why Not's" and behind the well-deserved anger. Although it's incredibly hard I keep coming back to the things I know God has promised us. I know He promises He always works for the good of those who love Him. I know He promises us He'll never leave us. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, His grace is sufficient for everything we could ever need. Even in this.
But, God, I won't lie. I need a lot right now and so does Blacksburg. So, my prayer is going to be a simple one because complicated prayers aren't really my thing. I only pray that God, You'll give us all Your peace, clothe us in Your forgiveness, and cover us, every single one of us, in Your love. That's all I ask.
*sigh*
I think times like this teach you to live again. They cause you to re-evaluate your life, show you how much people mean to you, and make you aware of the small things we all take for granted. As much as this hurts, I never want to forget. I never want to forget how it felt when I heard those news reports, the fear I felt when finding whether or not my friends were okay, the relief in knowing, the terror of the day, and now... The painful recovery of our broken hearts.
Tonight as I type this, glad that I wrote... I can't help but cry the tears I thought had run out. I cry for the families who lost loved ones, for my friends whom I love, and for the memories of our lost peace... which I have no doubt we'll regain once more.
So, let's get it back.
Wipe away our tears, in time. Get mad, then get over it.
Let's get strong. Again. Together.
Let's go Hokies.
I see all these things around me, hear all the words, fight back my own tears. I drive on those same streets, I walk down those sidewalks, go into those buildings, but it all seems so foreign. Like a movie set gone terribly wrong. I still can't comprehend that this happened ten minutes from my home.
I realize I wasn't there, but my friends, they were. They saw these horrors firsthand. And I feel sort of selfish for the sorrow I feel because I wasn't there. I can't imagine the unspeakable horror and disbelief they experienced so I don't feel worthy enough to feel my sorrow. I know I could've been there, however, even in justifying it, it doesn't seem right. All I can say for my deep sadness is that there are people in my life, that I truly care more about more than myself, who are deeply affected.
You know, I keep telling myself God has a plan in all of this. A reason behind all the numerous "What If's" and "Why Not's" and behind the well-deserved anger. Although it's incredibly hard I keep coming back to the things I know God has promised us. I know He promises He always works for the good of those who love Him. I know He promises us He'll never leave us. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, His grace is sufficient for everything we could ever need. Even in this.
But, God, I won't lie. I need a lot right now and so does Blacksburg. So, my prayer is going to be a simple one because complicated prayers aren't really my thing. I only pray that God, You'll give us all Your peace, clothe us in Your forgiveness, and cover us, every single one of us, in Your love. That's all I ask.
*sigh*
I think times like this teach you to live again. They cause you to re-evaluate your life, show you how much people mean to you, and make you aware of the small things we all take for granted. As much as this hurts, I never want to forget. I never want to forget how it felt when I heard those news reports, the fear I felt when finding whether or not my friends were okay, the relief in knowing, the terror of the day, and now... The painful recovery of our broken hearts.
Tonight as I type this, glad that I wrote... I can't help but cry the tears I thought had run out. I cry for the families who lost loved ones, for my friends whom I love, and for the memories of our lost peace... which I have no doubt we'll regain once more.
So, let's get it back.
Wipe away our tears, in time. Get mad, then get over it.
Let's get strong. Again. Together.
Let's go Hokies.
1 comment:
We were praying for you and finally your dad posted that you were fine. It all made us break out our VT hats and show our support.
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