Introspection

So many times I look at others from the outside in. Analyze why they make the decisions they make. Try to figure out what exactly in their lives or their background would lay the groundwork for such a choice... but I rarely turn that critical eye to myself-- so here goes.

I didn't want to spread myself too thin. I didn't want to strain my relationship with my husband. I wanted to spend more time with my son. I was burnt out from last season...

But

It's not fair that I don't get any credit for where they are now. It's not fair that someone else (who truly is an awful person... I think that makes this worse) gets to steal my work and claim it as their own. It's not fair that any recourse I have sounds petty.

Also

It's not fair of me to be jealous of something I willingly turned away from. It's not. It's not fair for me to criticize and demean someone who filled the spot I left. (... did I really want it in the first place?) It's not fair of me to wish anything but good things on them; the group I helped for four years to grow.

I was a good teacher. I am a good wife. I am a good mother. I'm an okay Christian. I wasn't a good student. I try to be a good worker. None of these things are absolutions or excuses; just musings to try to reason why I feel the way I do.

... That's it for now, I suppose.