Entirely exhausted

God is so awesome... and His grace is even more.

Lately, I've really been struggling inside myself with a few things. Weaknesses I see, things I want to fix, things I need to fix; sometimes it gets a little overwhelming. When I try to fix everything by myself, it's impossible but I know that, with Him, there is no such thing as impossible.

And I suppose that this snippet of the Relient K song "Up and Up" really exemplifies how I feel right now....

"To be prosperous would not require much of me.
You see contentment is the one thing it entails.
To be content with where I am
and getting where I need to be.
And moving past the past where I have failed.

But I'm finally catching onto it, the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is where I'll be.

I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up.
And I haven't given up, given up on what
You know I'm capable of.
I'm on the up and up
and there's nothing left to prove...
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for You.
A better version of me for You."

Every day I want to strive to be more like Him. To love like Him. To forgive like Him. It's such a big undertaking. But, enter Grace and now we're talking. Grace means that I don't have to be perfect. Grace means I can screw up or freak out, and He's still going to love me anyways. He's still going to want the best for me and He's still going to be my friend.

In light of certain circumstances I need to remember this now, more than ever... *sigh* When I was watching her tonight, I saw so much of myself in her. The hurt she tries to hide, the pain behind her smile. And as much as I don't pity her and as much as I mostly dislike her, I love her. I want her to find happiness like I did. More than anything, I wish that for her. Because that's what God gave to me when I least deserved it.

See, He saw beyond what I wanted, into what I needed. And though I really screwed things up, He fixed the brokenness of my life. I can look back and see the pieces of my heart that I never thought would heal begin to mend and the work He did in my life in the process. And when He thought I was ready (not when I did, mind you) He saw fit to bless me with the man I've always desired and the man who completes my life in every way imaginable.

His grace and love towards me astounds me. I know I don't deserve it, but He thinks I'm worthy. And, really, His opinion is the only one that matters, if you think about it.

Astounded.

He loves me, the REAL me, the sad, mad, happy, upset, silly, hyper, tired, good, bad... ALL of me... and I don't get it. I don't know how I can slowly (and almost unwillingly) allow myself to lay my imperfections out on the table and he still thinks I'm beautiful and he loves me... every bit of just me.

I don't really understand it, I've never let myself come so far, I've never let myself fall completely in love with someone who has taken the time to climb over the walls I've built up inside of me... I've never let myself trust so much that I'm terrified of what I might learn about myself. I've never let myself be real. So many times, I feel like I have to be perfect, but he is ready and willing to accept the flaws, the mistakes, the mood swings, the not-so-good days, the past, every thing that has made me into who I am, every single bit of me... not a perfect me, but the real me. Maybe it's a simple thing, but it blows me away... And I hope and pray that I will continue to unconditionally love him the way that he loves me, the way that God loves. Unconditional Love.

Relient K wrote this song for us.

It's been a year, filled with problems
But now you're here almost as if to solve them.
And I can't live in a world without you now.

All my life I've been searching for you
How did I survive In this world before you?
'Cause I don't wanna live another day without you now.

This is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening.
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me.

All I'm gonna have is all that you can give me
And I'll give right back everything I have in me.
'Cause nothing ever felt as right as this does right now.

I'll go back to before we met
Try and erase the past, try harder to forget
'Cause nothing will ever be as good as here and now.

'Cause when I looked into your eyes and you dared to stare right back
You should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half."

And this is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me.

Always knew I'd find someone
I never dreamt it'd be like this.
'Cause you've surpassed all that I've hoped for and ever wished.
And I'm tryin', so hard
With all my heart and mind
To make your life as good as you've made mine.

This is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me.

Terrrrrriffic

You know, some teenagers rail parents for being controlling and such, but mine are absolutely fantastic. My mother and father both are such good examples to me and it's funny how they say exactly what I need to hear at the exact time I need to hear it.

I'm so glad they help keep me grounded in realism, but at the same time they encourage my dreams and support what I believe God has put inside my heart.

*sigh* I just never expected this would happen to me. Now mind you, I'm not complaining, however, the fact remains that it sort of messes up my life plan. Which I guess just goes to show me, yet again, that my plans and God's plans aren't always going to match up. And I'm okay with that. I mean, think if I should have adhered to my own plan... It definitely wouldn't be as magnificent. He's just good like that.

But anyways, time to get ready!!

Hi, October.

It's been forever since I've written in here. I can't believe how quickly a month went by, let alone how quickly things changed in that month.

You know, I look at my life... I see where I messed up, I see things I would've done differently, I see the areas where bad things happened. But then you know what else I see?... In those bad times, the times I never thought I would get through, I see God's hand working in my life even when I wasn't aware.

So many times I felt like I messed things up beyond repair, that I had ruined His plan for me, but then He comes and surprises me with things I don't deserve at all. I suppose that's the beauty behind grace. Despite the fact I submitted so many times to my own wishes instead of His desires for me, He sees fit to continuously love me and bless me anyways.

That kind of love boggles my mind. You see, if I'm really honest with myself I know that's something that I need to continue to work on. If I've been forgiven so freely and without any pretense, who am I to judge? Who am I to do anything except love and thank Him for what He's done and is doing?

For the first time in a long time I feel completely under His will and I love the peace that I feel. I don't have to worry about anything because I can honestly say that I've given it all over. No Bethany meddling is required for His plans for me.

And I'm so happy.