I'm on the up and up

You know, I always thought turning points were definite moments. Life altering instances where you wake up one day and realize things changed over night... and you're different than when you went to sleep.

But the other day I realized I've been in the middle a "turning point" for the past few months. And I was amazed, not in the way a sudden epiphany provides, but amazed nonetheless.

I wasn't expecting it, though I'm so glad it came. I just can't believe it came when I was least expecting it. Which is sort of ironic seeing as I thought I was desperately looking for something to happen... How's that for a non-cliché cliché?

I really am happy with myself, with who I am, with the friends I've made. I just hate to look back and see all the time and pain and steps it took it took to get me here, to get me to where I'm going. Then again, isn't looking back always like that? Whoever said "Hindsight is 20/20" knew what they were talking about.

So, I'm moving on and I'm learning. I've decided not to blame myself for mistakes I made years ago, months ago, days ago, but to learn from those mistakes and, hopefully, never repeat them again. The past is just that... The past. Although the past seems scary and untouchable at times, but really it's merely a conduit for the greater things I know are bound to be coming my life's way.

Any way you look at it... my life is pretty extraordinary.

And for once, I mean that with all of my heart.

Just when you thought I was done with song lyrics

So fall back on all of your premonitions
and just learn to listen
to those that have more wisdom than you.
And just stop putting so much stock in all of this stuff.
Live your life for those you love.

I'm still waiting for
you to be the one I'm waiting for.

Something tells me that this is going to make sense.
Something tells me it’s going to take patience.
Something tells me that this will all work out in the end.

I decided to post this two months after it was written

It's been a while, eh?... Well, let's see. I'm not quite so lethargic now. Although at the moment I'm feeling terribly unproductive, I know it's not entirely true. I think a lot of what these random poetic, jumbled blogs, songs, etc... have been leading up to something.

The other night I realized a fact I've been avoiding like the plague. Even right now I'm frightened to actually type it, to acknowledge it, because I know how true it is. I'm at a turning point in my life, my fork in the road. And here's what I realized:

I need to move on.

You know for someone who has been clinging to something for so long with almost no reason behind it, this seems an odd statement. I guess you can chalk this up to my infinite amount of hope for people. My firm belief that bad situations always cultivate some sort of good. I haven't lost that, but at the same time, I know when I've been proven wrong... And I'm sure I've said it before, however, I've never meant it so much.

I say this with no malice, with no ill will. I just made a promise to myself eight months ago that I have to keep. I need to do this for myself. I can't keep doing this. This toxic, agonizing, unrequited, limbo thing that I've been doing. I just can't anymore. It hurts far too much and I've waited long enough.

I used to think there were reasons why you did the things you've done... Hidden motives and secret intentions. But now I see there's not and I'm not sure if there ever really were. I apologize for any pain I've caused you, any situation that made you feel uncomfortable. All out of good intentions, I assure you. However, I don't think I'll ever stop praying for you... Or believing in you.

I just have to do things for myself.

Turning point. You can start now... I think I'm finally ready.

I know I should write...

...But this song is all that's really on my heart. So many memories attached to one song, however, it seems truer now for me than it has ever been. This is my prayer tonight. And for always.

Order my steps in Your word, dear Lord.
Lead me, guide me, everyday.
Send Your anointing, Father, I pray.
Order my steps in Your word.
Please, order my steps in Your word.

Humbly I ask Thee, teach me Your will.
While You are working, help me be still.
Though Satan is busy, God is real.
Order my steps in Your word.
Please, order my steps in Your word.

I want to walk worthy, my calling to fulfill.
Please order my steps, Lord, and I'll do Your blessed will.
My world is ever changing, but You are still the same.
If You order my steps, I'll praise Your name.

Order my steps, in Your word.
Order my tongue, in Your word.
Guide my feet, in Your word.
Wash my heart, in Your word.
Show me how to walk, in Your word.
Show me how to talk, in Your word.

When I need a brand new song to sing,
Show me how to let Your praises ring, in Your word.

Please order my steps in Your word.
Please order my steps in Your word.