Careless words

I'm feeling so uninspired. I suppose lethargy will do that to you.

I can't think of anything significant to write and that's really rare for me. I just... Do you ever feel like you're watching your life from a movie screen?... Like you're watching the events unfold, but you're not taking part in it? Like your own personal story, directed, soundtrack complied, and narrated by you?

Because I do.

Sometimes I like to imagine that events aren't happening to me, but to someone else. That someone else has a date with someone she doesn't care about in the least and has something more exciting to do on a Friday night than read the latest Elizabeth Berg.

No offense to Mrs. Berg... and I'm not complaining. My life is terribly fulfilling and extraordinary in about nine out of ten ways; however, on nights like tonight, I can't help but wonder if there's anyone that feels how I feel right now.

Not sad, not angry, not in love, not depressed... I'm just here. And that's enough for tonight.

Everyone needs a break from thriving every now and then, I think.

P.S. Is May really almost over?... Where did it go?

Hammers and screws.

I put together a hutch today. All by myself.
And I installed new mini-blinds. All by myself.

I'm so crafty.

Just thought that I'd share.

I love this song

When I made up my mind and my heart along with that
to live not for myself, but yet for God.
Somebody said,
"Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

When I finally ironed out all of my priorities
and asked God to remove the doubt
that makes me so unsure of these things.
I ask myself, I ask myself,
"Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

I'm getting into You
because You got to me, in a way words can't describe.
I'm getting into You
because I've got to be.
You're essential to survive.
I'm going to love You with my life.

When He looked at me
and said, "I kind of view you as a son."
And for a second our eyes met
and I was met that with a question.
"Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
the kind of person You deserve to worship You.
You said You will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do.
You say, "I love you and that's what you
are getting yourself into."

I'm getting into You
because You got to me, in a way words can't describe.
I'm getting into You
because I've got to be.
You're essential to survive.
I'm going to love You with my life.

He said, "I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into."

In spite of myself

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for
the evidence of things not seen.

-Hebrews 11:1-

I don't believe in coincidences. I don't think on a night when I'm so deeply and profoundly sad that I actually contemplated just giving up... that this specific verse happened to pop into my head. And then I remembered the lesson from Wednesday night. You know, it's so easy to me to rely on my feelings, but I can't do that. God has his timing and His plan. I know He can do anything. Even this. You are just too important... and I have far too much faith in you to give up. I apologize you're not off quite so easy. And He is going to be faithful. I know it. I believe it.

(P.S. I'm so so sleepy. I find it amusing that the equivalent of a night of debauchery for me is a high school band concert. I really do enjoy being lame. It adds to my charm, I think.)

Josh Groban who? (Jon Mclaughlin is amazing)

Can you tell me how we got in this situation?
I can't seem to get you off my mind
All these ups and downs
They trip up our good intentions
Nobody said this was easy, right?

After all, we're only human
Always fighting what we're feeling
Hurting, instead of healing
After all, we're only human
Is there any other reason why we
Stay instead of leaving, after all?

Can we get back to the point of this conversation
When we saw things through each other's eyes?
'Cause now all I see is ruin and devastation
Well, it's someplace we can hide inside

After all, we're only human
Always fighting what we're feeling
Hurting, instead of healing
After all, we're only human
Is there any other reason why we
Stay instead of leaving, after all?

I'm smart enough to know that life goes by
And it leaves a trail of broken bones behind
If you feel I'm letting go, just give me time
I'll come running to your side

Can you tell me how we got in this situation?
I can't seem to get you off my mind

'Cause after all, we're only human
Always fighting what we're feeling
Hurting, instead of healing
After all, we're only human
Is there any other reason why we
Stay instead of leaving?
After all, after all.

The greastest fan of my life

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you..."
-Jeremiah 29:11-14-

You know, sometimes God seems so untouchable. Like He's sitting up in the sky, watching us live our lives. But then... I read a verse like this. His word to me. And I realize just how much He loves me. I realize his desires and promises towards me. But I need this promise increasingly recently.

I worry so much about how everything is going to turn out. My life, my relationships... But when I do, I'm forcing this verse to come to mind. Because honestly, what good does it do for me to worry about things that I have no control over... when I can put it all in the hands of the One who already set my destiny? And wants that future to be just as wonderful and fulfilling as I do? He knows all about me... The good, the mediocre, the bad, the parts I hide from everyone else. And He still loves me. He's still there when I need Him. I don't have to be anything but myself when I come to Him, there's no pretense. He wraps His arms around me when I'm hurt and He's there when I'm happy. He takes me for who I am. He is the greatest fan of my life.

And writing this I realized... I don't need a physical romance. As much as I want one sometimes, more than anything I need Him. Because I know I can't have a satisfying anything without His presence. And, really, falling more in love with God is more than enough for me right now.

I finally actually wrote and didn't just copy/paste. Give me a cookie.

Channeling Virginia Woolf

Everything inside me is screaming for hope
Not for you, but for myself.

I don't miss you, I miss the comfort
of having someone.
I don't miss you, I miss the way
you made me feel.

But I don't need someone
I like the awareness and peace
my situation brings.
I'm thriving... Yet, I miss.

I don't doubt, however,
It'll come again
but the question of when
is pressing.

So I'm through with looking
Searching is passé
It's over.
Not that I don't desire
But the timing isn't right.

Whenever you think I'm ready, God,
Send him my way.
I'll be waiting for Your word.

In case you were wondering

Songs that Reflect the Mood of My Soul for the Night of May 3rd:

• Porcelain Heart- Barlow Girl
  
• Wild World- Cat Stevens
• The Way I Am- Ingrid Michaelson (actually, any Ingrid song)
• Wheel- John Mayer
• Separate Ways- Journey
  
• Makes Me Wonder- Maroon 5
  
• Way Back into Love- Music & Lyrics Soundtrack
• This Side- Nickel Creek
  
• On the Radio- Regina Spektor

I don't feel like I can write tonight, however, these songs convey everything I'm feeling right now.

Just put them in a bag, shake them up, and what you'd get are my emotions.