True story.

By the way... as much as I don't care anymore, I want you to know that little things you do remind me of the person you were.

And those little things still make me smile.

But it sort of makes me sad that I know that you don't know I'm smiling... simply because we don't know each other anymore.

Oh, conundrums.

Ok so...

I just realized that it's been a while since I've actually written something that's not a quote, song lyrics, or a random, aggrevated poem. So here I go...

Sometimes life just sideswipes me.

You know, I can think I'm at a place where I'm content enough with myself to handle basically whatever life, boys, or the like could throw at me, but then disappointments run rampant. For example, a boy I was getting to be pretty good friends with turned out to be a total jerk (Imagine that)... This same boy told me the only reason he was pretty good friends with me was so he could try to have sex with me. Yes, he actually had the gall to speak those exact words to me.

I realized then that though things may be going fabulously, something or other always comes along trying to ruin your outlook. And I honestly think it's how we react to those moments that defines the person we are, the person we are destined to become.

I think God's really trying to tell me with all this nonsense that I need to focus more on Him than on anything else. And as lonely as I get sometimes, I know that there is, indeed, someone out there for me. Someone that He's hand-picked, just for me. I suppose learning to be patient is the hardest part.

In moments like this, however, on days like these, I can't help but sense that I'm on the verge of something monstrously amazing. A change is coming my way, I can feel it in my bones. I don't know what it is, I don't know when it's coming...

But I'm so excited.

Because I need to remember this.

"Abraham was old, Jacob was insecure, Leah was unattractive, Joseph was abused, Moses stuttered, Gideon was poor, Samson was codependent, Rahab was immoral, David had an affair and all kinds of family problems, Elijah was suicidal, Jeremiah was depressed, Jonah was reluctant, Naomi was a widow, John the Baptist was eccentric to say the least , Peter was impulsive and hot-tempered, Martha worried alot, the Samaritan woman had several failed marriages, Zacchaeus was unpopular, Thomas had doubts, Paul had poor health, and Timothy was timid. That is quite a variety of misfits, but God used each of them in his service. He will use you, too, if you stop making excuses."

-Rick Warren-

Sometimes

I get so tired of moving.
Can't I just find a place of my own without someone stepping in
and messing things up again?
I allow them in and they try to completely rearrange
when all I want is a little change.
Is it too much to ask to want to be free?
And to find someone who is as comfortable with himself
as he could be with me?

Should've Known Better (An Ode)

Perhaps it's karma, perhaps it's fate.
Perhaps it's whatever you attempted to create.
You don't seem to care that I'm angry,
but know when you come back you'll have already lost me.
You came like lightening, volatile and sweet,
Filling my world with promises, with deceit,
Your words were too eager for me to keep.
I think you planned this all along,
And it makes me wonder where we went wrong.
Without so much as a "goodbye," it's gone.
With a hard truth earned,
Your lesson learned,
I'm smiling at the memory,
And I'm walking on.

maybe I try too hard.

I am incredibly pissed off.

And I don't think PMS helps any.

Storytime:

Oh, my. So this March I set out not to worry about boys or let them affect my life in any way, shape, or form. I set out to do this because:

1) Boys are nothing but trouble
2) I don't want a relationship (gross)
3) I don't want a boyfriend (gross)
And most importantly...
4) Now that I'm finally comfortable being single and being myself by myself, I want to enjoy it. Revel in it. That is until I get so desperate for someone to hold hands with that I have to succumb to the pressure of another relationship (did I mention gross?)

It seems, however, that fate has different plans for me. Although I set out with amazing intentions and almost a good beginning, boys bombard me at every turn!... Funny how that works. The minute you stop caring, the minute they surround you like a pack of rabid dogs. (I'm generalizing in a terrible way, I apologize... Mostly.)

Anyways, there's this one boy who I really do enjoy. I enjoy his company, him making me laugh, I just enjoy him in general. However, knowing how awful I am at distinguishing the agonizing place between friendship and the "something more," and seeing as I don't want a relationship... The closer I got, the more dangerous he became. Hence my backing away that ensued a week or so ago. This was only to be countered with him stepping up his game. Which I didn't expect, but was a pleasant surprise, to say the least. Now we'll see how this develops, but, I must admit that for all my emotional sluttiness last November, I am that much wiser. No jumping into anything for this gal.

Which brings me to the other... The one who is completely unattainable for many, many, many reasons. The one who I saw almost the whole weekend of Spring Break. The one who flirted with me constantly. The one who just happened to break up with his girlfriend. Yeah. Odd coincidence? I'm not sure. But, as I've previously mentioned, as much of a spark that is there... I don't see it going anywhere.

And lastly, I may have a pseudo-date with the son of a woman from work. Utter hilarity considering I've never even talked to the guy, but hey... Who turns down free dinner with a hot guy? Not me.

*sigh* For once I know who I am, I know what I want, and I like myself. I love myself. And now I just have to wait for someone who loves himself to come love me too. On my terms, on my own time.
I like being selfish and, honestly, I really do deserve it.

The end.

(for now...)

It's still there

Keep love in your heart.
A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
-Oscar Wilde-

♥

Oh, this is the start of something good

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I'm holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart.

One fine day

Breathe in, take a step closer. The flutter of wings inside me threatens to build a pressure so terrible I know it could rip me apart. They quicken at the thought of what's coming. Step, breathe out. The crowded hallway bustles with the usual, urgent lethargy that accompanies mid-morning class changes. The rejects and skanks and the in-betweens of Vermont Eastern Community College file out of their classrooms, pushing me. But, I find I can only focus on one thing. My eyes do a quick scan, ignoring the muscular jerk that ogles me, ignoring it all.
"Where?" my mind questions and I mildly panic at the prospect that I can't find..." Then, there he is... "him." Leaning against the wall just so. Nonchalant, as he absentmindedly runs long fingers through his tousled hair. And my heart jumps at the thought of running my own fingers through that hair.
"You've done this a thousand times before," I admonish myself. "This is no different. No different at all." But my heart imperceptibly whispers a steady stream of something else.
Slightly reaffirmed I continue the awkward glide to my destination. The expanse that separates us stretches only a few feet, but it seems like ten miles. I fuss with my hair for the thousandth time. Ponder putting on lip gloss. "Too obvious," I mutter aloud, to which the aforementioned hunky schmuck responds with a questioning glare. I shrug.
Almost there. My stomach clenches and I step and step and, I'm there. I'm there and nervous, but as we ladies know how, I slide alongside him with the confidence of a seasoned pro. I open my mouth to say something, but...
"John, that test was positively ridiculous. I can't believe how terrible it was. Terrible." John nods in agreement to Gavin's indignation. I smile, not wanting to interrupt their conversation and realize I'm staring. I quickly focus on a very interesting spot on the wall in front of me. I'm not yet accustomed to this newfound shyness.
"I'll leave you two alone," John states, a knowing look on his face, "And good morning, Bridget," an aside, as he ambles into the classroom. Seconds pass and I sense his gaze before I turn. He leans into me, nudging my shoulder softly, and for a moment, my world seems to stop. His full lips curl into a smile and, though it may be an indulgence, I see his dark eyes brighten.
"Hello, Bridget." His voice is intoxicating. Gasoline cured wine. "It's so nice to see you." He's still grinning as his arms move to encircle me in a hug. I willingly reciprocate.
"Hello, Gavin," I gaze back. Hello, indeed. I try to focus on steadying my knees because, unknowingly, his lingering touch on my left hip brings the seemingly perpetual sleep of my body to life. As he opens the door, he tries not to watch me and I politely pretend not to notice.
"Class, take your seats and open to page 1654," Ms. Brant, our professor, sing-songs, "we're discussing Byron!" Knowingly, I look over and he rolls his eyes. I feign exasperation.
The air ignites, unbidden and undisguised, between us. Sparks lace with the promise of things to come and the concoction lingers sweetly there. "I wasn't looking for him. But we found each other," I think. And I decide, reclining in my seat, reaching for my notebook... "I like that we did."

Taking care of business

Today was wonderful.

And because it was so wonderful I came to the conclusion that I take so many things for granted. I get so wrapped up in little things the majority of the time I forget to look at the big picture.

But when you're swinging on a windy day with your amazing little sister... Laughing and going higher and higher and reminiscing. It puts alot of things in perspective.

There are moments I cannot repeat and mistakes I cannot erase, however, I can capture those moments. I can learn from my mistakes.

And that, my friends, is exactly what I plan on doing from here on out.

(...But, boy, I do miss you)

Cinco

Dear March,
I'm very glad you're here and that February is over. I feel like you're going to be good to me, March, and I'm excited about spring and flowers and break and things and being closer to summer. I can't wait to see how you play out for me.
Just don't suck. I would appreciate that.
Sincerely,
Bethany