Just an old, sweet refrain

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night
and day to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest
battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting.
- e e cummings-

Let the sun shine through

Goodness!...what a difference a day makes.
I finally have direction and no worry about where my life will lead. I feel like part the massive weight I am carrying is gone and it's wonderful. For once, I can see my dreams taking shape and forming into a reality. I can see ahead and I know there's so much to strive for and I am completely confident in my goals. And not to brag, but I am so proud of myself. I've come very far and it's amazing when I look back and I remember where I was... and then be able not only to see where I am today, but that I can look on to where I am going. It's a learning process, and it's not easy, but I'm getting there. I will get there. I can't take all the credit, however. I have Him holding my hand, helping me along the entire way.
I want every day to be like yesterday. I want to live, aware and drunk on possibilities. I want to soak up everything that I can while I am still able to. Yesterday taught me never to settle and I know I never will again. Yesterday taught me I can do anything I put my mind to.
And even though yesterday was amazing, I can't wait for my tomorrows.

Conversely, I suppose it's hard to swallow such an overweening sense of pride.
I would say more, but I've already wasted too many of my words.

Simply learning

I heard the phrases and I wanted all of me to call out in a song, a song that doesn't have words, a song that almost doesn't have noise. A lot of people take a short cut and call that feeling of song love. They just call it that because there isn't a way to describe it. But the word love doesn't describe the half of it. It doesn't do anything but bring to mind the song we all so desperately want to sing.

-The Book of Ruth-

Mmmm poetry.

See me, blind eyes
And presume to know
But cathartic change did wonders
For my floundering soul

Listen patiently, deaf ears
And strain to hear
Once more the memorable melody
My heart sings

No longer lost
I'm so much stronger
Hollowed out and open
Finally free to
Breathe deep and dive in.

Just breathe

You know, as crazy as it sounds, I sincerely believe my extraordinary life will yield me a tremendous romance. And as much as people scoff whenever I say this to them, I know in my heart that it's true. I think most people are satisfied with sub-standard because that's all that they hope for. But, that's not for me. Why waste my time on petty triflings when I know something amazing is coming my way?... So, I'm not going to. I'm going to work on myself and my life and wait for my fairytale. And I'm so very excited.


"Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the one you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? Or is everything just chance and are some things meant to be?"


Oh, Ever After.

You know.

What a day. From sleeping in to American Idol, it's been simply wonderful... Today I discovered three things. One being, I have come to discover that my stroll from Pre-calculus to English Literature is increasingly enthralling due to my quota. Due to a newfound sense of self, I've realized that I'm focusing far too much on myself and not enough about other people. So, in light of this, comes my second discovery. My quota. I challenge myself to meet at least one new person every day and to genuinely care about them. Today I met my quota in James, a Business Management student who happened to open the door for me and happens to be in my Pre-calculus class. Both of which were very pleasant surprises. It was cold. And I am happy.
And for my third discovery, I realized something astounding.
For the first time in a long time, despite whatever, a lot of the pain is a memory and I can't help but thank God for working in my life.

For the first time in a long time, I can be honest when looking at myself and my life and...
I can't help but smile.

Jai guru de va om

Nothing's gonna change my world.

Thoughts on today

"Hello," he says, "What is it you have there?" I sip my caramel cappuccino, sigh, and continue writing. He presses on, "Hello?" More forceful this time. I glare.
"What?"
He smiles. "She speaks, oh speak again!" His eyes are green.
I say, "Shakespeare... Nice." I think, "He must be gay."
I grace him a half-smile and he laughs, genuinely amused. His name is Jason, a Pre-Law student. He orders a mocha latte and sits a table down from me. I can smell his cologne as he passes, something heady and sweet. He stares openly and tips his cup towards me. I pretend not to notice as he pretends to read a worn copy of Tuesdays with Morrie. Minutes pass, he scribbles on a scrap piece of paper, slides it across the table. I look up.
"Maybe, if you'd like... My number" Those eyes are full of promise. "Thanks."
"Sorry," I breathe as he walks out the door, "I'm too busy working on me."

Curiouser and curiouser

Today was an interesting day all around.

Today I did something that I've never done before. Today, I inadvertently destroyed a boy's life. Note the inadvertently. Really, it was his fault... That's what you get to lying to me. Or just lying in general. It's a terrible, terrible practice. I would give you the details, but I'm really not at liberty to discuss such matters. In relation to this subject, I have come to decide that I should come with a warning sign: Jerks Need Not Apply. Ha.
In my life's exciting news, today I found out that I can graduate from Virginia Western. Sadly, it will not be a Liberal Arts degree, due to language mishaps; however, the type of degree doesn't matter to me as long as my credits transfer! Also, I discovered I'm not getting credit for one of my classes, so instead of adding a class like I planned, it's going to be a lighter semester for me. Hooray!... Well, really, that doesn't mean more time. That just means that there will be additional time for me to study the death trap known Pre-Calculus.
Then tonight, on a happier note, was date night with Kimmy.. She and I had a fabulous time. 24 and Brownie Pie. I am astounded by the power of friendships. I love it when you can reconnect with someone after being absent so long from their lives. It's like you pick up where you left off, like nothing ever happened, like no one else ever filled that void. But, I'm so very glad things work out that way.

In parting, I will leave you a picture that never ceases to bring a smile to my face.

Oh, my Ricky, and his pseudo-masculine shoes.
Not to mention those neon pink mountains.

Stream of consciousness

It's pretty bad when you're excited to drive in your car just to listen to a radio show.
I think I may go to Starbucks tomorrow morning and get another free scone.
I sure do wish it would snow again.
I sure do wish.
What does she wish, you may ask.
I really wish I had some cheese fries and my loverrr here to eat them with me.
Oh, loverrr.
Dreamgirls and burning presents and taking skinny pictures on Friday.
I'm excited about burning that picture.
But, musicals.
Memories.
I'm oh so sick of games.
And I would really like to find a Jude Law look-alike in the vicinity of Roanoke.
Who can discuss poetry with me.
If anyone could help me in my plight, I would sincerely appreciate it.
I wonder if things are the same without me.
You'd think they wouldn't be.
*shrugs*
Time to go journal and procrastinate.
Since I am so very good at it.
Among various other things.
And by various other things, I mean everything.
Especially magnetic poetry.
Mwaha.

Your call

Recently I've come to see just how powerful perception is. Perceptions about people, about situations, about life and general. Perception shapes our world every single day and it's so easy to forget something so unassuming. One person can see a situation as completely negative, while another can see that same situation and see nothing but positives. Additionally, sometimes perceptions about individuals can be wrong. I think normally we see merely what we want to see. Not necessarily the big picture. And even though that hurts less, it's not the best thing, I think.

Open your eyes, look at yourself, and think on that for a while. It's amazing when you're able to see things differently.

Revelation

So, I've decided something monumental in my life... and I've decided to share it with you.
I am most definitely going to be a sweatpants/pony-tail gal this semester.
Because looking cute for Ricky (since he's not taking classes on campus) and cute boys (since I'm over them) are completely off the radar, I really don't have a reason to put much effort towards looking astoundingly fabulous.
I suppose I'll settle for utterly fabulous if it means an extra hour of sleep.
Hooray!
Now to find an awesome pair of sweatpants.

Well, Amen.

Nothing's impossible for You, nothing's impossible
Nothing's too difficult for You, nothing's too difficult

I'm ready for change, ready for rain
Ready for favor
I know you're able to turn it around

Open the windows of Heaven
Pour out a blessing, overflow
Turn it around
Open the windows of Heaven
Pour out a blessing we cannot contain
Let it rain

You have turned my mourning to dancing
You have turned my sorrow to joy
You have turned my whole life around
And I thank You, I thank you, Lord.