47 days... Until my life changes even more than it already has.
This whole pregnancy has been a torrent of emotions.
There's been so many unhappy emotions. Worry, doubt, fear... I worry that I won't be a good mother. That something I do or don't do will affect our son negatively. I see so many shortcomings in myself: how fickle I am, how condescending I can be, my lack of consistency in my relationship with God. Things I know I need to fix before he arrives...
But then there's so many things to be happy about; the little things-- to look forward to. I find myself getting lost in the thought of a round, little boy with curly blonde hair, big blue eyes, and soft skin. The thought of holding a physical manifestation of the love that Ben and I have for each other. Love, created. Seeing myself growing each month and falling more in love with this little man I've never met. Imagining Ben holding our son, seeing his countenance change from that of a husband into a father. My arms feeling so empty and being completely unaware that what they needed is our son... so many things. All the little inconveniences of being pregnant have taken an aside to those imaginings.
I don't guess there's any resolution to this at the moment; I just needed to say these things. And to challenge myself to improve, for not only myself, but for our son. He deserves the best... and that's what I'm going to strive for.
